Posted by Ashley Koed

At some point in our lives we will go through a personal journey of emotions surrounding our fertility. Whether we realize there is a technical term for what we are going through or not, it’s a very real feeling and it isn’t widely talked about. Just google emotional infertility and mostly what will come up are emotions about infertility (aka fertility problems) but that isn’t what this is. It can affect a man or woman who hasn’t found the right partner yet, someone who loves their spouse but they don’t see eye to eye on having children, the couple who loves travel and doesn’t want to lose their freedom… There are a lot of people grieving for something few people acknowledge they have the right to grieve for, and many of the people grieving don’t even realize that’s what’s happening to them. Some of them are losing some of the most powerful and productive years of their lives as they get stuck in their grief.

It can hit suddenly or it can come on slowly, and how long it lasts is unique to each individual. The world is full of a wide spectrum of people and circumstances, and to complicate the subject more…let’s not forget the added layers of religious and moral complexity. I come from a family that is open minded, not religious and has never pushed me to have children. I have imagined myself in the shoes of someone with parents who are pushing them to have children and I can only imagine the added pressure on top of the pressure I already put on myself.

I’m a millennial. Surveys say 1/3 of millennials don’t want children, which is quite a change from when my own mother had children. I’m part of the shock-absorber generation for the sexual revolution. We’re working through the impact of those changes on a daily basis and I don’t think I have given myself enough credit for how overwhelming societal pressure can be. Motherhood is still highly connected with adult femininity and we see it on TV, in movies, in the workplace.

I have been asked by strangers, coworkers, extended family members (almost always women in their 40s and 50s who had their own children) when I am going to have kids, not IF, but when. I have been told things like “just you wait” or “there’s still plenty of time”. I have tried to brush these comments off but I am seeing more clearly now that it has had an effect on me. I was too afraid to speak up, take a stand and say something back nicely about how it is none of their business to inquire into such a personal matter. What if I was having trouble conceiving or already knew I couldn’t have children?! Or what if I just don’t want them. Why didn’t I feel OK to stand up for myself, rather than just faking a laugh and being agreeable? I wish I just blurted out, “well seeing as the population is already out of control, I’m curious why you are so intrigued about my reproductive status?” Feelings of panic and emptiness, resentment, pressure and judgments some spoken, some unspoken slowly started taking over me.

No matter what female hormones will put women through some sort of grieving process whether they have children or not. For women who do have children, there can be post-partum and a grieving of the life they had with friends, their coveted alone time they are now realizing they no longer have, or the freedom they had prior to starting a family.

I know some people who have known from a young age that they want children and I find myself envying those people who seem 100% sure because they seem at peace with such a big decision. I have been on the fence about having children for a while. I have read stories of women who were ambivalent until 40 and then all the sudden had a cathartic experience and desperately wanted an offspring.

I feel so lucky to have a close group of friends I can talk about my feelings with. A lot of my friends are in the same boat as me. We are in great relationships or marriages, have good jobs, and technically have the financial stability to raise children starting now. Yet, so many of us are on the fence. The important piece of my journey has been to be able to express my feelings to my friends without judgement. When women repress feelings, their emotions can make them feel out of control, so this is why it is crucial to take time alone to sit with your thoughts and do some soul searching.

If you ask a mother to explain the feeling she experiences when her child is in danger, most would be hard pushed to put it into words. It is primal, just as I realize are my feelings of 1) realizing I may never have children 2) losing my freedom to travel and go to yoga as I please 3) sleep less than 8 hours a night.

I believe there is a biological urge to have kids in both men and women, but the intensity of a biological clock ticks away in women and the social and internal pressure starts to compound with age. I would love to see what the ultimate expression of love between two people (me being one of them) would look like and act like and become friends with that little person. And if I choose to forego the rhythms and responsibilities of parenthood, I want to make the most of my freedom and travel the world to soak up all that exists out there. I can be maternal to those people who do have children in my life (if my sister has kids which she is in the 100% yes boat, if my best friends have them, etc.)

You have to be open to change, and that’s possible with or without being a parent. Each side of the coin loses and gains.  My main point to all of this, is that it is time for society to stop assuming that women without children are missing out on something or are being selfish. Society should benefit from valuing a variety of paths for adult women to have satisfying lives. So after all my rambling, just don’t forget how important it is to talk about your feelings and build a support network. Don’t bottle your feelings up inside. It is human nature to develop a grass is greener syndrome and the truth is that most people are just as indecisive as I can be. Listen to your intuition and try not to hyper-focus as it takes us away from being in the present moment. It’s time to get out into nature, sit at the bottom of a tree – it’s grounding ya know, do yoga, get the alone time you need, and listen to your thoughts. We should all be grateful for the gifts we have in our lives and not forget to celebrate and appreciate those gifts.    – Ashley